So I was at a clinic to get my throat checked out and they were running behind. They had taken my vitals and I was waiting for the doctor in the exam room. After a while, I realized it was past closing time and I hadn't heard any voices in a while. Then I thought, holy crap--- What if everybody left!? I pictured myself in this awesome "Home Alone" sequel. Here's what I would do. After I raided the sample cabinets, I would have to get to work on my booby traps. This was certain to be the night that two bumbling, mildly-endearing, non-threatening burglars had planned to rob the place (Don't judge them too harshly. The two brothers are simply trying to get medicine for their sick mother who, because of her illness, wasn't available to them in their formative years to tell them that stealing is wrong, blah, blah, blah.) I figure once the first trap is sprung then the crooks know I'm there so I'll have to move from trap to trap in a premeditated order if I'm going to be alive when my mom, Catherine O'Hare (who is way overqualified for this boring role by the way,) arrives with the police to save me. Keep in mind, all of this actually went through my head while I was waiting in more detail than I'm willing to go into.
Alright, here are some of the ideas I had. I would take out the bag of marbles that I put in my pocket earlier in the movie in a otherwise useless scene where my father says in a foreshadowing tone of voice (if such a thing exists,) "How many times have I told you not to leave your marbles on the floor?! You could really hurt somebody!" Yeah, those marbles. I throw those into the main hallway just before the bad guys (who aren't really that bad) drop down from the ventilation shaft. In case you don't know, in movies ventilation shafts are not only huge, but lead directly to the outside wall to welcome anyone with a phillips head screw driver. After a delightfully drawn out pratfall, one of them will spot me running across the hall into an exam room. As they get to their feet one guy will yell something like, "Why you little...!" By the time they run into the room I will be wearing a doctor's coat and stethoscope. In a brilliant feat of Bugs Bunny-like role play, I tell one guy, "Hey, you don't look so good Doc." Then I hold up the mirror which I previously painted spots on. "We'll have to get right to work!" I'll say and I'll throw him down on the exam table. Then I'll start asking the brother to hand me things. "Scalpel...[scalpel], cotton swab...[cotton swab], decals...[decals?!]" he'll say, confused. Then the camera will pull back to show me putting the finishing touches on a model car. Then I'll say, "Fire extinguisher!" and when the brother hands it to me I'll spray it in their faces and dart out of the room leaving only a small puff of cartoon smoke. Then the "bad" guys will be slowly walking around the halls panning their heads back and forth saying things like, "When I get my hands on you!" Ooh wait! I just decided they should have a cockney accent! Nothing says "wrong side of the tracks but harmless" like a nice fake Dick Van Dyke cockney accent. Yeah, and the littler guy should occasionally knock the bigger one on the head when he says something stupid. Anyway, so they're creeping down the hall. Then I jump out and as I push their heads together with the paddles of a defibrillator, I yell "clear!" then ZAP! They fall in a pile on the floor just as the front door is kicked in. "Police! Drop your weapons and put your hands wear I can see them!" One of the guys yells back, "We surrender! Just get us away from this kid!" The burglars will shout some awkwardly Rated-PG insults at me as they're loaded into the police cars that are chaotically parked at odd angles with the doors open. I know what you're thinking- Weren't they worried someone would steal the police cars? No one steals cars during the epilogue, stupid. There's no time.
Cut to the driveway at a beautiful house covered in Christmas lights. I'm surrounded by family and neighbors. The cops are there "just to make sure I got home okay." For some reason there will be no charges against me for the damages, missing medication, or assault. After all, it's Christmas in a neighborhood of well-to-do white protestants isn't it? Let's just forget about the whole thing and slowly zoom out and up while everyone hugs and laughs to the sound of a choir singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing." Oh wait I think I see one black family down there. Aaaaaaaand credits.
