Is Your Breakfast Cereal Poisonous?

Probably not, but who knows?  In our very recent past Americans were happily stuffing their faces with sugary, salty, greasy foods packed with saturated fat; we had families all over the highway who didn't know how a seat belt even worked; we raised our families in houses packed with asbestos and lead paint... And don't even get me started on baby stuff.  Rubber nipples, BPA laden plastic bottles, walkers, crib bumpers, stuffing our babies' faces with highly allergic food... Need I go on?  I mean, for that matter, the fall of the Roman Empire has been speculated to be blamed on poisoning from the use of lead in their make-up and attire.  Human existence has struggled to stay afloat since the beginning and has somehow succeeded so far strictly on a trial and error basis.   It's unsettling at best.


But at some point all of these things were considered perfectly safe.  Which leads us to an obvious conclusion: Certainly there are things we're doing and eating right now that are horrifically life threatening.  Some day our grandchildren will shake their heads and say, "I can't believe they used to watch TV without radiation filtering eye goggles!  Were they stupid?!"


So I decided to make a few predictions about some products that might be someday proven to be deadly or at the very least- a really crappy idea.  Only time will tell of course, and these predictions are based solely on speculation.  But isn't that what the Internet is all about?  Long past are the days of being limited to getting your information only from well informed, educated people!  Just think of all of the doors that opens up!  So unless you're one of those elitist snobs that gets hung up on "credentials" and "facts," listen up.  I've got some predictions to make.



#1

Let's start with those silver paper sleeves we use to heat up hot pockets.  They're just too weird. I don't think anyone knows how they work.  In the directions you're warned sternly not to use them more than once. Or what? What would happen?  Would it affect the space-time continuum?  And for that matter, how would it even know how many times you used it?  Can that thing count?  I'm telling you, there's something weird going on there.  It's disturbing enough that we're still not totally sure about whether or not the microwave itself is giving us cancer. 

#2

I know this subject has been worn out, but I have to quickly mention it: cell phones.  It's probably not as bad as some of the early reports, and no, it turns out they actually cannot pop popcorn, but I'm still not totally convinced we're in the clear.  My phone has so many signals going in and out of it at any given time (GPS, WiFi, Bluetooth, 3G...), it certainly wouldn't be a shock to find out at least one of those is farming lumps on my cerebrum. 

#3

Next on the list: "Safety Toys."  Kids' toys have been made so ridiculously safe, that we have a generation of kids growing up right now that are not ready for the dangers of the real world.  There was a time that if you cut yourself on your rusty Tonka truck, you went to the hospital and got a tetanus shot.  It hurt like shit and that's the day you learned not to be stupid and cut yourself on rusty metal.  We fell off our bikes without helmets and pads and decided that being reckless isn't an awesome idea because bruises, scrapes, and broken bones suck.  My son has a plastic truck.  They carefully designed it so that you can't possibly fit your finger behind the wheel and pinch it or get stuck.  You know what I learned when my finger got stuck or pinched in a toy?  Don't stick your idiotic fingers into small, dangerous areas.  And don't think for one second the toy companies care about your kid.  It's all about law suits, risk assessment, and the bottom line.  Let's not get side tracked though.

#4

Last and probably scariest: Zhu Zhu Pets.  Yeah that's right.  I said it.  Those stupid little robot hamsters that were all the rage last Christmas were quickly accused of containing toxins and yanking Jr.'s hair right out of his adorable little head.  Well that, and they were clearly strategically marketed by the U.S. Government to spy on us.  Come on people.  Open up your eyes.  Don't wait until it's been turned into a Will Smith action movie.  Those little bastards crawl all over our houses collecting information and reporting back to some secret government organization probably using our own cell phones for transmission.  I know what you're thinking: what about the people who don't have phone reception at their house?  Why do you think there were so many recalls?  That was the built-in backup plan.  They sent these furry little eaves-dropping, special-ops fuckers right back to headquarters loaded with all the information they needed.  The kicker?  These people even paid their own postage.  Double ouch. That's "The Man" stickin' it to ya twice, and he's sure as shit not gonna call you the next day either.  He should have at least been a gentleman and bought you dinner.

Okay, I've said enough.  Too much maybe.  My phone just rang and I have a sneaking suspicion the calls are coming from that black van out front.   I'm going to turn off my lights and lay low for a while.